Book the 13th: The Final Fiasco
by CloneDrone111
Summary: How will the Baudelaires story end? Happier than many believe, though sadder than most expect.............Rated a very light T for various fires, etc.
1. The Perilous Prologue

_Dear Reader,_

_If you found this book lying in a trashcan, pond, garbage disposal, or lumber mill, please return it. You will find nothing inside this, the final tale of the Baudelaire orphan, but misery and despair. If this book was not lying in a trashcan, pond, garbage disposal, or lumber mill, than now is your chance to deposit it in such a place, before you turn to the first page. By doing so you will be saving yourself from many horrid things, such as a monoplane, a fossil collection, several burning objects, and, perhaps worst of all, undercooked Chinese delicacies. Hopefully by now you have decided to dispose of this book in any way possible, but if you are still unfazed, I warn you; this is no fairy tale; with no happy ending._

_With all due respect ( and regret)_

_Lemony Snicket _

When I walk down a street ( which is a rare occurrence in itself, due to the fact that I am currently awaiting execution), people normally ask me one of three questions;

Why must the lives of some be so horrid that I cannot bear to speak of them?

How does the story of the Baudelaire orphans end?

Would you please pass the tea?

As the answer to question one is unfathomable, and the answer to question 3 is obvious ( I am indeed receiving a coded message in Pig Latin), I will answer question 2. The Baudelaires story will end happier than many believe, though sadder than most expect. If you still wish to discover one last frightening chapter in the Baudelaire story, read on………..


	2. The Mysterious Monoplane

CHAPTER 1

The phrase, " a fish out of water" normally refers to a person whom is in a place in which they feel strange and uncomfortable. For example, if you were a young schoolchild who was dragged away by his ankles to join a secret organization, you would be a fish out of water. However, at the moment this term is being used literally, to describe the ocean animal that was currently flapping about on the deck of the _KSS Funcoot. _Despite the fact that a mere sailboat is not named "USS", and the fact that military ships are christened "USS", not "KSS", none of the Baudelaire twins were foolish enough to correct Count Olaf, who at the moment was chuckling, pointing a bony finger at the dying fish. " Look at this, Baudelaires! This fish is like yourselves! It will not escape!" Klaus Baudelaire shared a nervous look with his sister, Violet, who's hair was no longer tied in a ribbon, but dangling sadly across her pale face. "Stucko!" cried Sunny Baudelaire, which of course meant " How will we escape this horrible predictment, and where is Count Olaf taking us?" ' I don't know, Sunny", Violet whispered, cradling the baby in her arms. It was later that night, when the sun had sunk into oblivion, Olaf laughed louder than ever, as he pointed at a nearby building. "Yes! Ha!" cried Olaf,

" At last, we have come to the Terribly Tall Tower! In here is stored the Verdict Finalization Directory, the last piece of evidence that could possibly stop us. In that building is the last shreds of evidence, the last of Dewey Denouement's comprehensive research! We will burn the building down! Then, we will track down your dear friend Kit Snicket, and find the sugar…." Olaf's rambling, a phrase which here means " pointless chat about his evil plans", was interrupted by a loud buzzing noise.

"What is that?" cried Olaf. The Baudelaires looked up, and saw a monoplane, a phrase which here means, " a yellow plane with one set of wings and a propeller", hovering about them. The plane's searchlights flickered, causing the children to squint their eyes, and the Count to release a stream of curses. "Baudelaires!" the echoing voice from the plane shouted over the rushing, balmy waves, " We are sending down a team of Very Flexible Divers to retrieve you from this man!" Count Olaf suddenly realizing what was going on, and opened his suitcase, digging through his smelly close and several pictures of himself, searching for a pistol. Klaus stared up in awe, as two divers in aqua blue suits leapt out of the monoplane, one landing on the boat, and the other hit water. Incidentally, the second diver could not swim, and so no one every saw him again. However, the first diver grabbed Klaus's hand, and picked up Sunny. "Come, Violet!" he cried from behind his breathing mask. The diver put Sunny in his backpack, and held Violet and Klaus's hands. " I am going to use this very fast device to get us to the plane!" he cried, pulling a string, which unleashed a parasail, sending them all upward. "Wait!" cried Olaf, and he grabbed Klaus, who tumbled out of the air. "KLAUS!" cried Violet and Sunny in unison. But the two girls were pulled into the monoplane, and Klaus was soon out of sight. Violet and Sunny gasped for breath as they hit the hard steel floor of the monoplane. And then they cried, for the first event of this story was most unfortunate indeed.


	3. The Frightful Fire

Chapter 2

An oxymoron is a phrase that means " two antonyms used in the same  
sentence." So, for example, the words "happy ending for the  
Baudelaires" would be an oxymoron, because "happy" and "Baudelaires"  
happen to be antonyms. So, when Count Olaf cried

" The building is straight ahead, to the left!", Klaus knew the  
sentence was an oxymoron, but was not enough of a blockhead to correct  
Count Olaf. It would have been easy for Klaus and Olaf to reach the  
Terribly Tall Tower by the end of the previous day, but Olaf's  
rambling and ranting and cruel laughter had meant that the ride had  
gone by very slowly. Klaus had cried the night before, but then,  
remembered a saying his mother had taught him. "Look at the glass as  
half full, not half empty." This means to look at the good side of  
things ( though it is impossible to do so when you are at a jail, soon  
to be punished via death by firing squad, and already being punished  
via bad lasagna.) On the bright side, Klaus thought, he could spy on  
the Count and discover his plans, and, when he escaped, he could find  
a volunteer, and tell them everything.

Of course, only the most extraordinary human being could find a bright side in wandering an area of unusually thick and scratchy monkey grass with a greedy  
actor/Count, and entering an impossibly tall building. "Skyscraper"  
was not adequate to describe this building. It went so high, that no  
one had ever seen the top, because they could not get far enough up  
without passing out, or freezing to death, or losing their way in the  
smooth, frothy clouds. This makes it the greatest mystery of our time  
(besides why buses never leave exactly on time), how anyone could have  
built it. And so Klaus and Olaf entered.

There was a receptionist's desk, which was empty, in the middle of the  
building. On it lay a sheet of paper, which Olaf perused. "Orphan!" he  
screamed, " Read this! My eyes are too handsome to do such hardships!"  
Klaus sighed, and proceeded to read a long list of Verdict  
Finalization Directories and Sub-Directories. " Shelf 334, the  
Mog-Finwig Case, Shelf 335, the Brown-Houston Case, Shelf 336, the  
Wright-Hamplon Case….." And so Klaus continued, until he arrived at "  
Shelf 9,993, the Denouement Cases-" "Aha!" cried Olaf, "Let's proceed,  
boy!" And so Olaf and Klaus clambered into the elevator, and pressed  
the "9,000's" button. Off they went.

After Klaus arrived at the "9,000's", Count Olaf told him to search every shelf until he reached 9,993. Klaus did so, until he reached Shelf 9,993. Count Olaf then did a victory dance that made Klaus's skin crawl, before standing up, and skipping joyously over to Shelf 9,993. He searched through the shelf impatiently, throwing books to the ground when he didn't need them, and sniffing each one of them, in case they contained a scented message. At last, he came to the last two things on the shelves, and excitedly pulled them off. Klaus though he caught the words "Ivan Lachrymose: Lake Explorer" on the cover of one of them, and the other appeared to be a file of some sort. Olaf tore out a few pages of the "Ivan Lachrymose" book, and then threw it, and the file, to the ground. Klaus, knowing that what Olaf had taken from the shelf was very important, so he snatched a page out of the file while Olaf's head was turned. "Ha!" cried Olaf. " At last, no one can stop me!" And Count Olaf threw a match on the floor, and locked the door to the room, with Klaus in it. I am sorry to say that, while this is not the first fire in the Baudelaires story, it will most certainly not be the last.


	4. The Strange Scent

Chapter 3

At many times in your life (assuming, of course, that you are alive while reading this passage), you will be told things that you do not want to hear. You might be told that the chef at your favorite Tex-Mex diner has run out of queso and will have to serve you gravel instead. You might be told to read "The Littlest Elf". Or, you might be told that your parents were killed in an accident involving some angry rats lurking in Swiss cheese, when in fact they were burned to the ground in a fire. I now must tell you another thing you probably do not want to hear; you will not know about Klaus's fate until the next chapter. This chapter is centered on the Baudelaire ladies; Violet and Sunny.

" Pokno Hea!" cried Sunny, clumsily wiping the tears off of her face. This of course meant " My brother!" "Shhhhhh, relax, orphans, he will meet up with us somewhere, somehow, in some way!" said a quaint, soothing voice from the cockpit. Violet, whose black hair was streaked over her watery eyes, did not say a word, but Sunny's sobbing only intensified. Violet and Sunny looked at each other. They were suddenly feeling calm, dazed, even….happy. "What are you doing to us!" asked Violet, smiled and laughing uncontrollably while doing so.

" Just some scented candles, and a pinch of laughing gas- you will feel much better when you wake up." Sure enough, Violet saw the world around her grow blurry, and soon found herself unconscious on the cold metal of the cabin.


	5. The Exciting Escape

Hey everyone, so sorry I haven't updated in over a month, I had a bad bout of nausea and I am just now getting better. I give you (drumroll) chapter 4.

If you have lived for all of your life in the same world I live in, than you have probably noticed one thing; things are much more likely to be unpleasant than pleasant, and that that will never change, no matter how many things we do, or how many pictures of volunteer fireman we hurl into a dumpster. But being locked in a burning room was an unpleasant situation on par with 5 o' clock traffic, hair loss, and being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to the audio-tape of "The Littlest Elf" until revealing a piece of crucial information that should not have been revealed to someone whose face was so dimly lit that it was impossible to know whom you had just confided in. Klaus was now backed into the corner of the room. The door was locked. Klaus did not have his sister's skill. So he would have to revert to book smarts, a phrase which hear means "use his talent and not his sisters to get him out of this debacle". He seemed to remember reading something about this in _Potential Fires and How To Escape Them_, but that plan was useless, as he was without a pipe cleaner, a toothbrush, and a plastic explosive. Klaus thought some more. And then it hit him.

By "then it hit him", I do not mean an idea. I simply mean a small chunk of the ceiling had fallen on Klaus's head. Incidentally, the solution came to him seconds later. Taking off his jacket, he threw it into the fire, then quickly grabbed the end, which was not yet smoldering, and threw it at the wall. Soon, the paint on the walls would melt, softening the structure and allowing Klaus to punch through it. Klaus quickly snatched up the file and book that Olaf had left. And then ran through the fire and punched to wall. Klaus burned his hand, and yelped in pain. He then tried again. Nothing. Fire. Ouch. Again. Nothing. Fire. Ouch. Again. The wall crumbled, and Klaus charged through it, dropping the ground to shake off the raging flames. Klaus then ran down the stairs of the building, far outrunning Olaf, because the elevator at the Terribly Tall Tower was notoriously slow. He then hid behind a large fragment of the building that had fallen off in the fire, and waited for Olaf to sail away. When he did, Klaus began to cry. Not just because he missed his sisters. For although he was free from Count Olaf, he was now alone in front of a burning building, with no means of transportation or communication. In a word, even more alone than before.


	6. The Lousy Landing

You have probably heard the phrase "rude awakening." I have always found this phrase to be quite ridiculous, as there is really no such thing as a polite awakening. Sleep is the most precious time of the human life, a time when we can just close our eyes and forget the troubles of the previous day. So, whether a young boy asleep on a bed in a spacious manor is awoken by the gentle sound of a violinist, or a Romanian associate is roused by a pretzel vendor with a tomahawk while asleep on a school bus that left two hours early, both would consider this a rude awakening, because neither probably want to be awake in the first place. But Violet and Sunny Baudelaire truly received a rude awakening, their peaceful rest cut off by a loud THUMP.

"I'm sorry, Baudelaires!", the pilot said apologetically, "I'm a novice at this whole aviation thing!"

Novice is a word which here means "beginner", and, as you may have guessed being in a plane or portable tortilla factory flown by a novice is not an enjoyable experience.

"Hmm…." the pilot muttered to herself, "I seem to be forgetting something….I wonder if….."

At that moment the plane trembled and a loud POP went off, and it was rather obvious that the pilot had forgotten to detract the wheels. And so, twenty minutes later, the Baudelaire ladies stepped out of the monoplane more than a little nauseated, but eager to see just who had flown them to this mysterious abandoned dairy farm. Slowly, a pair of trembling feet in high heels sank to the grassy ground, and the Baudelaire girls saw someone they never expected to see again.


	7. The Terrible Tide

Chapter 6

There are two misconceptions in this world that I find very prevalent (a word that here means "occurring often").

One misconception is that the unfinished final writings of Geoffrey Chaucer are hidden under the Ladder of Social Snobbery, when in fact they are hidden under the Statue of Expanding Realty.

The other is that smart people do not make idiotic decision. Klaus Baudelaire was incredibly smart, with an IQ high above the normal level for his age. But he did occasionally make obvious errors like any other person. For example, when he was a toddler, he had made the mistake of underestimating the Baudelaire Mansion staircase. Instead of walking down the stairs, Klaus decided to try to jump from the top stair to the bottom one. Klaus remembered his parents rushing him to the hospital. He had only a sprained wrist, but Klaus preferred elevators from the point forward. Klaus was, of course, not thinking of this incident at the moment, although he was about to do something very idiotic.

Klaus saw the _KSS Funcoot _in the distance, and heard Count Olaf's shrill, terrible laugh. Klaus knew he needed a boat, and begging for Olaf's help was his only option, although, as I know from experience, it is highly unlikely that a villain who has just tried to burn you alive will provide any assistance.

"Olaf!" Klaus cried "Help! Olaf! Come back! I can help you!!!"

"That's a strange sounding sea animal" Olaf yelled, "Sounds a lot like that dimwitted orphan who just burned to the ground. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! NOOOOOO!!!"

At that moment the world turned upside down. Kind of.

As Klaus waded into the water after Olaf, a deep rumble shook him entire body. He looked up to see a huge wave, a monstrous wall of hungry water. The wave swallowed the _KSS Funcoot _and its passenger in seconds. Klaus then knew how idiotic it was of him to wade into the water to ask for the help of a villain/theatre actor. He tried to run away, but he was frozen in fear. He simply stood their, until finally, the wave washed over him. I am sure you do not wish to hear of the violent sensation Klaus felt, as if two ropes were tugging him in opposite directions. I have no doubt that you do not wish for me to describe the stinging sensation Klaus felt, or the deafening roar of the wind. But I am sure you would love for me to recount that, at this point, Klaus passed out, and was spared any more pain and agony.


	8. The Deathly Delicacy

Chapter 7

As you know, seeing someone you have not seen in a long time can be a double-edge sword, a phrase which here means "good or bad". For example, while seeing a good friend who you thought had moved away is a good thing, a run-in with a bald woman who you assumed met her end courtesy of a radio tower and a ripped skirt two decades ago is decidedly unpleasant. I am delighted to report that, for once, the Baudelaires were not staring into the face of a foe, but instead a friend.

"Aunt Josephine?" exclaimed the Baudelaire girls in unison, which means "at the same time".

"Yes! Yes, Baudelaires, come give me a hug! But not too tightly! My bones are very brittle and weak, and I cannot get you to the Very Far Destination with a broken set of ribs!"

Violent sighed. She was glad to see her Aunt Josephine, who she had thought was dead, but her hope that her Aunt had given up her irrational fears was in vain.

"Come quickly, ladies, but not too quickly, or you will fall into an anthill and be devoured! We barely have time to go to Li's Au Naturale and eat your rare supper, discuss the events of the past few days, and send you off on your last mission!"

"Mission?" said Sunny.

"Yes, of course! Of course. It is only a 5-mile walk to the town of Innikville, but still, we must hurry!"

Confused and tired, the Baudelaire girls began to trudge through the grass.

After five exhausting miles, Violet, Sunny, and Aunt Josephine finally reached Li's Au Naturale.

In all her years, Violet had never seen a restaurant like this one. It was practically a skyscraper, with a large neon sign at the top, flashing the word "LI" repeatedly. On the rooftop there appeared to be a large fire truck, with the words "THE WORLD IS QUIET HERE" written on it in pink marker, with a rainbow arching over the phrase. When she followed her aunt and sister through the door and into the restaurant, the oddities continued to pile up. Most Chinese restaurants have a large aquarium to entertain younger diners, add a little "oomph" to the design, and to transmit messages to our blind associates. But, unlike most Chinese restaurants, the aquarium here was on the floor. It was a discomforting experience for Violet, watching armies of coy and goosefish swim and squirm beneath her as she walked to her table.

"Would table 12 be all right, ma'm?", the hostess asked Josephine in a suspiciously low voice.

"Yes", she replied.

The hostess pointed not to a table, but an elevator.

"Capalevi da?" asked Sunny, which meant "Why are we traveling to our table in the elevator?"

"Li's Au Naturale was built right after the schism. Therefore, each table is located on a separate floor, so if the building caught fire, the flames could be doused before reaching the top", Aunt Josephine explained to Violent's translation.

Finally, the three girls arrived at their floor and/or table. The entire room was constructed of wood, including the windows, making them very difficult to see out of. The tablecloth was made of pure gold (actually, although the Baudelaires did not know this, it was in fact sheepskin and a clever artist who created the "gold"). As Violent and Sunny sat in their wooden chairs, they could ignore Aunt Josephine's appearance any longer.

Great clusters of her hair were missing, and one of her eyes was slightly glossed over. Her face was freakishly white, and her fingernails dangerously long. But most disturbing of all, in place of her right leg was a clipped shower rod with a large ball of brown putty at the bottom.

"Aunt Josephine, I know this is rather rude, but…"

"How did I survive?" Josephine interrupted, "Well, its quite simple actually Baudelaires. You see, when Captain Sham-"

"Olaf", Sunny interjected.

"Yes", Josephine sighed, "Count Olaf pushed me overboard, I immediately had a nervous breakdown. As you may know, nervous breakdowns make some people hungry. My stomach was in a huge amount of pain, so I began to chase after the Lachrymose Leeches, and eat as many of them as I could. Eventually, the smell of their own blood scared the Leeches off, but not before they devoured my leg."

"I sorry", the waiter that had just appeared said in broken English, "I not realize this sad occasion."

"It isn't", said Josephine firmly. "We'll have the Ox-Tongue Scramble, a side of crushed Century Egg, Kung Pao Chicken Chews for the young child, and a scoop of Chilled Iris Ice Cream for all!"

"Of course. I not realize this sad occasion", the waiter mumbled again before sauntering away to the kitchen.

"I truly love the delicacies here", said Aunt Josephine. "They are not cooked, so there is no danger of third degree burns! It's delivered by helipad, so there is no chance of a boat crash!"

And so Josephine rambled on, cataloging all the reasons that Li's Au Naturale had the best, safest dishes in the known world, until, at least, the waiter arrived with the food.

I do not feel the need to describe the disgusting "delicacies" the Baudelaries were being served, seeing as I am eating as I write this. It will suffice to say that Sunny's "Kung Pao Chicken Chews" were actually freshly chewed by Kung Pao Chickens.

"Now, to business", said Josephine. "There is no need for you to tell me of the events at the Hotel Denouement. I received a telegram telling me everything. But, in truth, the Hotel was not the last safe place, Baudelaires. It was the last _immobile _safe place. We had hoped that we would never have to put into action our Very Final Dinner aboard the _Prospero _but it appears we must. The Very Final Dinner is to be a meeting of all associates who survived the fire to discuss the future of VFD. It is here we will at last open the package containing the Sugar Bowl, which we recently found at the Village of Fowl Devotees, and discuss its contents. Transporting the Sugar Bowl to the _Prospero _will not be easy. In fact, we can only trust you orphans to do this. You will be given a trolley car, which will be pulled by two Great Danes who are trained to follow your every command. You will guard the Sugar Bowl from those who wish it harm. When you reach the _Prospero_, you can swim to the ship, climb aboard, partake in the hors d' oeuvres (a word which means "appetizers"), and discuss the fate of VFD with us over steamed crab and mashed potatoes."

This took the Baudelaires a few minutes to swallow, especially considered that the thick Chilled Iris Ice Cream was taking quite some time to sink down Sunny's throat.

"Why us?" Sunny finally belted out.

"Why you, girls? Because we have failed you. Every last associate has failed you. But you, Baudelaires, have failed no one. As Assistant Facilitator of VFD for 10 years, I have observed you closely. I have no doubt you will not fail us now."


	9. The Isolated Island

Thank you for all the feedback you guys have given me! I will try to review some of your works in return. If you want to start putting the pieces of the puzzle together, then pay close attention to the poetry in the chapter. This isn't the most exciting chapter, but it is important, so you might wanna read it. Enjoy! Oh, and (blatant plug) please check out my new stories on _The Ballad of Joseph Jones _and _One Sunday. _Feedback is appreciated.

As you may know, awaking after a storm can be strange experience. Klaus now knew so too. I do not feel that it would be beneficial to describe the strange sensations Klaus felt when he awoke, only that he was incredibly dizzy and disoriented until he saw a person emerge from distant palm trees. She was dressed entirely in black, save for a huge red sombrero, a kind of fringed Mexican hat.

"Hello!" said Klaus, regaining his stability and desperate for water. "Excuse me?!"

The elderly woman trudged through the thick clumps of wet sand, and handed Klaus a piece of old, faded paper.

Very good to see you 

_I hope that you do know it_

_Now 'tis time to welcome you to the Island of Mute Poets._

A small smiley face had been etched in the corner, along with the words

"mynameisLena"

Klaus to a moment to let this information sink in. "Mute", of course, means "incapable of speaking", and a poet is someone who writes poetry, usually with beats and rhymes.

"Th-thank you Lena", Klaus stuttered. "I have just been shipwrecked, and I was wondering if I might-"

Lena put her finger to her lip in a shushing motion, and pointed forward.

Klaus followed her. At last, they came to what appeared to be the center of the Island of Mute Poets. About thirty rusty metal shacks dotted the sandy shores. At the center was a large wooden throne about forty feet tall. At the top was a short, plump man whose long gray hair covered his entire face, so that nothing else was visible. A large sign hung over him; "Leader, our Leader" it said, the words arranged from seashells. Lena walked up to the throne, pulled out a piece of paper, jotted down a few words, and made a sweeping motion. A large rope descended from the throne. Lena tied the paper to it, a system of pulleys and gears pulled the note back up to Leader. Seconds later, a different piece of paper descended. Klaus read it;

"_Everything has a rule here_

_You must follow them_

_And if you don't then you must risk_

_Riding alone again_

_Definitely important is rule number one_

_Vicious consequences if you do not stay away from the sun_

_I will not let it burn your back_

_Never leave while the sun is up…..or else _

'_Ever you feel the urge to eat_

_You know all we have is ABC soup_

_And never any meat_

_Really, don't eat meat…or else._

_Don't ever break this final rule_

_Violent punishment abounds_

_If you speak a single word_

_Never make a single sound…or else._

Klaus thought these rules over for a moment. He had certainly heard more pleasant rules, but he didn't care about the rules. He was free of Count Olaf, temporarily at least. For now, he could ignore the strange phrasing, the mute inhabitants, and the slightly ominous rules. He was safe, or as safe as one can be in a world like this one.


	10. The Jovial Journey

In your lifetime (or, possibly, seconds before your death), you have probably heard the phrase "between a rock and a hard place." This simply means that no option you are faced with is attractive. And while I am in fact literally between a rock and a hard place, which is chafing my suit, this term is figuratively (a word which here means "metaphorically") used to describe Violet and Sunny. They did not want to transport the Sugar Bowl the _Prospero_, but they did not want to go home, and let the villains triumph once again. But the Baudelaire girls did not voice their conflict when Aunt Josephine sat in Violet's lap in small wooden box.

"This contains the Sugar Bowl", Josephine said.  
"Watch over it. Protect it. When you reach the _Prospero_, place it on the sink counter in the ladies' room. Then your work is done."

And so off the Baudelaire girls went, on a journey that was mundane and boring enough to make one suspicious. The two Great Danes that pulled the trolley, Ching and Ling, were unnervingly obedient. The food, which ranged from rainbow trout to Sunny's favorite, chicken kiev, was strangely delectably. And the roads were disturbingly smooth. In fact, enough time had passed without an unfortunate event of some sort that the Baudelaire's had begun to enjoy their trip. But, of course, a group of novels called _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ are bound to be filled with a series of unfortunate events. Otherwise, this book would begin with the heading_ A Series of Unfortunate Events That End Half-Way Through The Novel and Never, Ever Return._ And now I sadly say that another unfortunate event did in fact strike the Baudelaires. The sisters stopped at a small lakeside park to allow the restless dogs some exercise. Violet was playing fetch with Ling when she was approached by a man with no beard and eyebrows.

"Hello", said the Man With No Beard and Eyebrows, "You must be Violet. Oh yes, oh yes."

"You must be mistaken", said Violet, giving away nothing with her mouth or her eyes.

"No. No. Oh yes, oh yes", the Man With No Beard and Eyebrows replied.

"You have the Sugar Bowl with you. Oh yes, oh yes."

It took every ounce of strength in Violet not to disclose the secret of the Sugar Bowl's location.

"The what?" she said coyly.

For a moment there was silence.

"Pity about your parents. Tell Jerome hello for me. Oh yes, oh yes", the Man said, flashing a yellow toothed grin. The man then walked off, leaving Violet silent and terrified.


	11. The Rough Revelation

I apologize again for the endless wait for more chapters. I hit a snag with the ending and had to go back and re-write the final chapters. I aim to put out the last few chapters in quick succession over the next two weeks. Thank you SO much for your patience with me. Also, those who look closely in their copy of "The Unauthorized Biography" well find a treat or two in this chapter. Well, here we go…

During your early years of training for a shady but prestigious organization, you were probably asked, possibly in a very rude and heavily-accented manner, to arrange the letters of the alphabet in correct order. While younger children and retired stable janitors may find this enjoyable, Klaus Baudelaire did not. Every night for dinner, alphabet soup was served in a bowl that was modeled to the exact likeness of renowned poet Robert Burns, making it very difficult to eat from. Before eating, every alphabet noodle had to be removed and categorized, and then eaten in order. After dinner, the inhabitants of the Island of Mute Poets returned to their housing tents. 2 ½ people were allowed in each tent, which meant that one resident always had to sleep with his or her posterior half outside. Tonight was Klaus's turn to do so, but he turned his top half outwards, so that he could study in secret the many short poems he had been given during his time on the island. He increasingly believed that within them was a code of sorts.

He studied it closely, but could find nothing. However, hours of thought revealed to Klaus that the code was deceptively simple. It was an acrostic, meaning the beginning letter of each line added together formed a word.

"_Very good to see you_

_I hope that you do know it_

_Now 'tis time to welcome you to the Island of Mute Poets_

_Everything has a rule here_

_You must follow them_

_And if you don't then you must risk_

_Riding alone again_

_Definitely important is rule number one_

_Vicious consequences if you do not stay away from the sun_

_I will not let it burn your back_

_Never leave while the sun is up…..or else_

'_Ever you feel the urge to eat_

_You know all we have is ABC soup_

_And never any meat_

_Really, don't eat meat…or else._

_Don't ever break this final rule_

_Violent punishment abounds_

_If you speak a single word_

_Never make a single sound…or else."_

"V-I-N-E-Y-A-R-D….V-I-N……vineyard." Klaus realized exactly what the message was telling him. He got up, slipped his shoes on, and quietly trudged forward, combing the island for some sort of vineyard, until, at long last, he smelled the hovering scent of grapes. Klaus followed the aroma, but, when he arrived, he was surprised to find that the smell was being given off not by growing fruit, or by my female associate who has little knowledge of the appropriate way to apply perfume, but by a series of black drapes that swung mournfully from a row of bare trees. In the center of this strange display of dining room décor and natural occurrence stood Lena, who grabbed Klaus by the shoulder.

"About time you came!" she said briskly.

"I just now figured out your-"

"We don't have time for this. Don't speak, Klaus. Listen for a moment, please. The real reason you are on this island is because 100 years have past. Each century, a Vicious Force of Destruction lands someone on this island. When they arrive, it is the one time we are allowed to break our commitment and eat meat. The meat of the stranded. Klaus, you are to be sacrificed at sunrise!"

"How do you know my-", Klaus whispered nervously.

"VFD has allies everywhere, Klaus. Even on the Island."

"You mean to say that you are-"

"You're Aunt Josephine has sent me a messenger pigeon-"

_Aunt Josephine. VFD. Allies. Sacrifice. _The words formed a tornado that swirled around Klaus, trapping him in a state of shock that prevented him from speaking. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"That has told me all I need to know. You are to reach _The Prospero_, where you will join your fellow associates, including your siblings. But first we must concern ourselves with your escape. Walk to up the mountain shaped in the image of Carl Sandburg and you will find of Vehicle of Fragrant Drapes. You need only pull on the side drapes. The vehicle will do the rest. When you reach the docks, tell the ticket-taker that Gerta sent you."

"Gerta?"

"I'm sorry I do not have time to explain all of this to you Klaus. I-"

Lena was interrupted by the whoosh of a spear and a horrid crunch as it entered her stomach. She fell down, the sound of her body drowning out the patter of advancing footsteps.

"They are close now", said Lena, fighting for breath as Klaus crouched over her.

"Go quickly, Klaus."

But as Klaus stood up, Lena grabbed him by the shoulder once again,

"Snicket", she whispered urgently, "have you heard that name?"

"Yes…yes I have", Klaus replied.

"If you run into to Lemony, tell him Beatrice said goodbye."

Then, with her final breath, Beatrice Snicket used her trembling hand to wipe away her facial disguise, revealing that beneath the face of the elderly lady hid a youthful, lovely woman. At last, the stories of the Baudelaires and this author had intertwined.


	12. The Gloomy Guests

If you have ever been to a dinner party, especially at an Indonesian café or the _Therapy Diner (_whose name, I'm afraid, is quite self explanatory), you are aware that they are ghastly, horrid things. Either the person next to you is dying to slip poison into your delicious garlic mashed potatoes, or the garlic mashed potatoes are so dastardly and sadistic that you wish to slip poison into the garlic mashed potatoes of the person sitting next to you. And that is in addition to the painful conversation, and of course, the horror of cracked china. But Violet and Sunny had been known to enjoy dinner parties, for their parents celebrations were always laidback affairs, filled with humorous chatter and wooden bowls piled high with fresh, crunchy noodle salad and croutons that were not filled with arsenic, but instead topped with creamy ranch dressing. What they had ahead of them, however, would be more than they could swallow.

The trolley car pulled up to Daedalus Dock as the last glimmers of sun sank beneath the salty sea. On the dock stood a man in a sailor uniform, with graying hair and overgrown earlobes.

"You the carriers?" he asked, in an oddly high-pitched voice.

Violet wasn't sure if she should trust him.

"You are probably not sure if you can trust me, Violet", he said, "but it is alright, miss. The world is quiet here. You may call me K. "

Violet pondered a moment, then slowly opened the door of the vehicle, ushering Sunny out of the car and taking the Sugar Bowl from her fragile hands. She held it up to the man in uniform.

"Yes, K, we are."

"Come aboard, then."

Violet and Sunny stepped aboard _The Prospero._ It was an old ship, covered in barnacles and weathered by waves…and, with the exception of the Baudelaires and a few men dressed in Salmon outfits, was surprisingly empty.

"K?" Violet asked.

"Yes 'um?"

"Why is the ship empty?"

"Well, dinner doesn't start until 8:00…our guests are always prompt", said K with a chuckle as he loosed the boat from its anchors.

"But sir", Violet continued, "It's not even half-past seven!"

K smiled.

"Every ship has it's own schedule", he said.

At that point, at least a hundred associates, all dressed up as judges, complete with wigs and gavels, rushed across the dock, all shouting "Phase two!".

They all leapt in the frigid water and dog paddled to the ship's ladder, at which point they formed a single file line and climbed one by one on board.

K tipped his hat and smiled.

"Excellent! Now the Very Final Dinner can begin. We will be seated in the Redburn Ballroom for the opening invocation and dispensing of doilies. Then we will enjoy a catered dinner from Café Salmonella while we wait for our most important late arrival. I will be joining you momentarily. I have some business to attend to."

K waited for the litany of associates, turncoats, and former cast members of _Look Out for That Axe!_ to file in to the ballroom below him before turning to address the Baudelaire girls.

"You two-take the Sugar Bowl to its assigned location. Then you may join us for dinner in the Redburn Ballroom downstairs."

K then handed Violet and Sunny a map, which they followed to the ladies room.

Violet then placed the box containing the Sugar Bowl on the rusty old sink with no faucet.

Next, the two headed to the Redburn Ballroom, just in time for the ending of the doily dispensing ceremony.

"Place your Very Fuzzy Doilies under your wigs. Thus ends the Sacred Doily Ritual. Amen."

"Amen", the associates echoed.

"And now for our mouth-watering meal, provided for us by Café Salmonella."

K snapped his fingers, and an army of men and women dressed in Salmon costumes entered, trays in their hands and self-loathing on their faces.

Violet and Sunny found three red chairs marked "carriers", and sat down in two of them, feeling a pang of sadness when they recalled why the third was empty.

No sooner had the two girls sat down than they were barraged by plates which held a sampler of several salmon dishes-steamed crab with salmon intestine, salmon tossed salad with crushed salmon fin cream, garlic mashed potatoes sprinkled with salmon retina, and barbecued salmon with essence of salmon. The siblings left their silver plates untouched, for neither of them knew if they could risk discovering what "essence of salmon" was. As other associates were served their dishes, the clatter of silverware began, as did the most horrible aspect of dinner parties-conversation. Soon, Violet and Sunny found themselves in the eye of a tornado of pointless chatter.

"I haven't seen you since that night at the-"

"…haven't ever dance the conga-"

"..the state of modern sheep farming.."

"I have a lovely fossil collection."

"But somewhere there's a secret streak of-"

"The British Mafia? There's no such-"

"My fossil collection is excellent."

"When you know the truth-"

"I have the bones of the African Ballet Company of Ohio. They are part of my fossil collection."

"…and I said, that skipping rope is the property of -"

"Mr. Sebald's cinematographer-"

"I do love my fossil collection."

"The Broadway revival of-"

"Would you like to see my fossil collection?"

Amidst all the talk of sheep farming and fossil collections, it took Violet a moment to notice that Klaus was not the only one missing from the dinner table. So was Aunt Josephine. Violet picked up Sunny and walked over to K, who was stationed at the head of the table.

"Yes, children?"

"Umm, K, sir", Violet said cautiously, "A woman named Josephine was supposed to meet us here. Do you know where she is?"

K pulled out a clipboard from under the chair.

"James…Jekyll…Jemima….Jzanskystein. No record of any living member of VFD named Josephine. Are you sure you have the right name?"

Violet choked back tears.

"May…maybe not. Sorry to bother you, sir."

"Quite all right, ladies."

Violent stumbled back to her seat. Was Aunt Josephine simply too afraid to show up, or was she dead…or worse?

"Habeas de?" Sunny asked.

"I don't know if she's alright, Sunny."

Violet was just about to give her sister a few encouraged words when a loud thud made her jump.

"Well then", said K with a hint of satisfaction, "It appears our most important guest has arrived. Let us go on deck to greet him!" The associates all stood up and flocked to the deck. Violet and Sunny followed them, hopeful that in fact this was all some sort of strange prank, and that Aunt Josephine would be water for them when they arrived on deck, and the she would grab them by the hand and take them to somewhere that finally felt like home. But as much as I would like to write that sort of story, I must deal in fact, not fiction.

Were I writing a fiction story, the next sentence would be "and they lived happily ever after."

But, instead, I'm afraid, I am writing a story of fact, so therefore, the next sentence must be…

_When the Baudelaires reached the deck, they were astounded to see the undisguised face of Count Olaf. _


	13. The Horrible Harpoons

With the exception of being forced to tame a wild turkey during a musical theatre rehearsal, no experience can compare to the sickening feeling of seeing the ones you love joined with the ones you hate. Violet and Sunny felt this feeling strike them head on as they saw their associates do nothing but stand still and smile eerily.

"Hand over the Sugar Bowl!" Olaf growled.

"Alright", K said.

"No!" Violet cried out.

K turned his head to face hers.

"It's alright Violet. It's alright."

"Do you know this man?!" she protested, her eyes pooling with tears, "Do you?"

"Violet", K said, "behave yourself, please."

"Yes, orphan", Olaf sneered, "shut up. I did not come here with my 13 associates in my Vehicle of Fragrant Grapes to sit here and listen to your wailing! VFD has finally seen the right thing to do! Give the Sugar Bowl to me and join me!"

"Indeed", said, said K, producing the box that housed the Sugar Bowl from his back pocket.

Violet and Sunny were beyond words now.

K handed Olaf the Sugar Bowl.

Olaf smiled.

"I will now open the box halfway, before pausing for dramatic effect and reciting a soliloquy from _Macbeth_. Let's begin."

Olaf opened the box halfway and began his monologue.

"Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle in my-oh, blast it, let's just open the thing!"

Olaf opened the box…and inside found nothing.

"Where's the Sugar Bowl?"

K cackled.

"That was our agreement! I let you join my troupe, you provide the Sugar Bowl!"  
"Now, boys!" K cried.

13 Café Salmonella waiters rushed onto the deck, each holding a harpoon gun.

"There is no Sugar Bowl, Olaf!" K cried with satisfaction.

"It was simply an object for you to follow until it led you here, where, I'm afraid, my dear Count, you will meet your end."

At this point, the waiters raised their harpoon guns, and fired thirteen very accurate shots.

Count Olaf barely had time to scream "you've been a wonderful audience!" as the harpoon rushed toward him, piercing his stomach and sending him flying over the edge of the boat and into the endless blue abyss below.

Violet was frozen in silent shock, and Sunny was repeating the phrase "Olaf drown" over and over again.

K smiled, and walked over to where the harpooned henchmen were standing. He kicked them all to make sure they were dead. One gave out a mournful moan. K squatted down and snapped his neck like a twig.

Then K let out a raucous scream, and his associates began to celebrate as well, throwing their doilies in the air and chanting "V-F-D! V-F-D!"

"Excellent!" K cried. "Now let us begin the ceremonial dancing on the bodies. The Ivan Lachrymose Jazz Band has agreed to provide us with music."

The associates all dashed onto the center of the deck, except for Violet and Sunny, who remained behind.

"Come along, ladies", K cried, "Dance with us!"

By all means, Violet should have accepted K's proposal. Danced on the bodies of those who had hunted and haunted her for years. But she couldn't. She wouldn't lower herself to their level.

"No", she said firmly.

"No?" K asked.

"No."

"You must girls! Tradition says that the Very Final Dinner must end with the dancing on the bodies, and every associate must participate!"

"We won't" said Violet, grabbing Sunny's tiny hand.

"I am afraid we must lead a mutiny against you then. We cannot break our Very Fastidious Directions! Everyone must participate."

"All right", said Violet.

Violet and Sunny sat in a small wooden boat as they buoyed out to sea, making their way through the heavy evening fog.

In one day, Violet had seen those she loved disappoint her. Those she trusted turn evil. Those she hated disappear.

And it was at that moment, even as Violet saw her brother drifting toward her in the waxing moonlight, riding upon a mass of wood and cloth, that she new no matter how fast they rowed or how far they ran, evil would never be far behind. The three Baudelaire children may have been reunited, but even together there lives were just like the rowboat that they squeezed into, drifting through life's empty sea, trying to dodge the waves and storms. Just like the rest of us.

NOTE: This is not the last chapter. One more chapter will sum the story up in a roundabout way.


	14. The End

So this is it. The final chapter. Writing this has been a journey that has taken me almost two years. Thank you all so much for your constructive criticism Thanks especially to GoldenPhoenix, who reviewed practically every chapter! I never expected this kind of a reception when I started writing. So thanks. I am going to write some original fiction now. Message me for more info on that.

Thanks again for following this story. I hope you enjoy where the final chapter takes you.

Dear Mr. Snicket,

I am sad to say I cannot secure publishing for your series of books. People are simply not interested in reading about a series of unfortunate events. However, I would like to make you aware I have received your coded messages in these 13 novels, and that I am currently on my way to pick up the Baudelaires at the location you have stated in Anagram Code. I personally believe your writing is excellent, and I assure you I tried my hardest to have your work published. Best of luck with your last days of life,

Your Editor,

Mr. Poe


End file.
